I literally do the exact same thing every semeseter. I freak out about how poorly I’ve done, on my term papers & finals and everything leading up to them. I expect to fail. I overdose on caffeine and under-dose on sleep. I become a miserable shell of a human being, hating school, myself, and everyone within a ten foot radius. I contemplate quitting school and/or suicide. I plan my escape from the country. I consider becoming a chain smoker. I rip the california education system a new one. I mentally kick my own ass all over long beach, asking myself how I have become such a fuck up.

and then it all works out. and I feel like an asshole. because my meltdown is usually public.

I don’t do it for attention, I really do feel like a failure a majority of the time, it just gets amplified under the finals week microscope. so maybe it’s subconscious self defense? if I commit to the idea that I am going to fail and then I don’t, it is a pleasant surprise. fuck man, I really need to give myself more credit. I need to remind myself of the fact that, as my darling roommate so accurately put it, “you’re good at your shit, even when you think your shit is shit. shit.” 

so while some of my grades still hang in the balance, I’m done thinking about them. in the scheme of things they don’t matter. and in the end, the fact that I sacrificed some A’s for the best four months of my college career is so much more worth it.

TAKE THAT ENGLISH LITERATURE.